Bribery Can Get You Everywhere - If It's Done Right

I'm gonna type you this love poem. And when I'm done, you'll be in my power

Because my life is so exciting, I was engrossed in a Dateline NBC special the other day when the doorbell rang. Before I could pick myself up off the couch, the bell was followed by frenzied knocking. My lovely daughter was away driving the next door neighbor crazy at a birthday party, and I assumed she was making another visit home to update me on the awesome toys her neighbor friend was receiving that I must match in a few months.

            Imagine my surprise when I opened the door and found not a giggling, dancing, greedy child, but a tasty looking piece of chocolate cake on my front doorstep. Hmmm. Weird. But tantalizing nonetheless.

I looked left – nothing. I looked right – no one.

            I assumed it was meant for my daughter. Like most kids Chris doesn’t eat cake at parties because she’s too busy playing and mainlining full-sugar candy from her goodie bag. Then she later complains that she didn’t get a piece of cake as if drinking half your body weight of fruit punch isn’t enough of a head start on diabetes. So, I figured she finally learned to snag a piece for later and was giving it to me for safe keeping. By the way, that would have been a huge mistake. 

Breakfast in bed? No. Movie ticket bribe.

            Still, I was making no assumptions. There was no name on it. I mean, who could resist a free piece of cake that’s apparently been delivered by the angels at the most perfect time? So I picked it up and had the fork half-way to my mouth when I figured I should probably make sure this cake wasn’t one big fat joke. Not that it would stop me from enjoying it, but it might make me pause long enough to brush it off if I knew it had recently made contact with dirt or bugs.

            So I yelled for Chris and heard giggling. I yelled again and she popped her head around the side of the house.

            “Hi Mommy! I got that cake especially for you because I know how much you looooooove cake,” she said with a smile. Then she skipped away to go play and inhale some more sugar.

            So with the green light I inhaled the cake, which had the wrong kind of frosting but was tasty just the same. But the entire time, I also had an uneasy feeling. Something didn’t sit right and I could feel the chocolate confection sitting like a ball in my stomach.

I know my kid. And I know this was no gift cake brought to me with loving joy. This was most likely bribery cake. You see, whenever Chris does something good, I’ve learned from experience that there is usually another shoe waiting to drop.

Yep, right after my birthday dinner Chris begged for her friend to spend the night.

            For example, she doesn’t just clean her room to earn her allowance or so she doesn’t have to live in filth. She cleans her room in a pre-emptive strike against my list of reasons why she can’t have a sleepover. And Chris doesn’t eat her vegetables because she’s so happy to be eating healthy. She gags them down because she believes that will put her in good standing to enjoy dessert.

            So you can imagine my unease knowing that this sugar bomb was left at my door with me specifically in mind. There was something up and it wasn’t long before I knew the real reason behind the cake. An hour or so later Chris showed back up at the door with her friend Kayla in tow (knowing from experience that it’s harder to say no when they’re ganging up on you) and asked if I would drive them to a park across town.

            When I laughed and said she must be crazy, you would have thought that blood was dripping from the knife in the child’s back and creating bloody frowny face drawings on my chalk-covered stoop.

“But I brought you caaaaakkkkkkeeee!” she cried.

            Of course. Bribery cake.

            If you have kids you’ll understand. There comes a point when a hug, a kiss and ‘I love you’ makes you instantly cringe and wonder where the broken vase is hiding. An offer to help unload the dishwasher is a clue that a bad report card is just around the corner. There always seems to be an ulterior motive involved.

            Chris still hasn’t got it quite right yet because she always seems to break the first rule – don’t let the bribee know that you are trying to bribe her. Just like the kid she is, she can’t hold onto a secret long enough to make the bribe do its intended duty. Like on birthdays, for example, when she tells me days in advance that she’s working on something special for me. Oh and, by the way, maybe I should remember just how much I love her present when she asks me if she can stay outside a little later with her friends. Fail.

            She’ll get it soon enough. As a friend pointed out to me, she’s still learning the nuances of a good bribe. Until then, I’ll enjoy her failures and fear the day when her skills will be so fine-tuned that I won’t know her loving kindness is all a ploy.

She learned from example. The only way we could get this thumb sucking to stop was by bribing her with pierced ears.