First Day of the Rest of Your Life

First Day of First Grade. Cover Thy Ears.

            Dear Parents Of Children At My Daughter’s School,

            I saw a few of you wince this morning on our first day of the school year. Unfortunately I know why you made the face that said there wasn’t enough coffee in the world to deal with a child such as mine. I sincerely apologize for the audial assault caused by my daughter who screeched like a teenage Valley girl every time she saw one of your children. She was wearing a neon green skirt, so maybe it has something to do with the 80s.

            And please forgive us for those times that Chris knocked down your dazed child by hugging her like a hyperactive grizzly bear slobbering over a picnic basket. Can you blame her? After a summer of being stuck with the over 40 crowd, she is probably dying for some peer interaction. I already observed her and the other girls showing off painted nails and Hello Kitty lunchboxes as they lined up by their teacher’s sign on the school playground.

I guess you didn’t hear Chris’ response after I pulled her aside and begged her to quit screaming - “I can’t help it! I’m! Just! So! Excited!” She even jumped up and down and clapped her hands as she yelled it.

            It wasn’t always this way. You weren’t there in the old days, back when she was in preschool and the only thing she knew about elementary school was that it made her older friends leave her. Not surprisingly she decided that after her illustrious career in pre-K that kindergarten just wasn’t in the cards for her.

Got my diploma. Don't need no more skoolin.

            The exact words, I believe, were “I already got teached a lot!”

            As she no doubt has told you, as she has told me countless times when she doesn’t get her way, I am not a nice mother. So of course I forced her to attend kindergarten despite her genius. Once she realized there would be other kids to play with there, let alone the world of learning there really was left to do, I have never seen a kid so thrilled to go to school.

            Yes, she still believes she knows it all. While enjoying a spongy blueberry pancake and powdery eggs during the free parent’s breakfast this morning, you may have overheard Chris lecture me in the proper way to open a carton of milk. There are no instructions on the carton, after all, and she is a pro now that she’s officially a first grader. I suppose those things might have changed in 30+ years too.

            I shake my head when thinking about the patience her teacher will have to employ over the next few months in getting Chris not to squirm in her assigned desk. I suppose she might lead your kids down the same delinquent path, but I do have to chastise you for looking so superior to me because I know your kids are excited to be there too. Maybe they’re not as loud. Maybe they knock other kids down with their dance moves and hair flipping. But they were smiling those toothless grins when they saw Chris too.

            I regret that I don’t expect much of my daughter’s attitude will change as the school year progresses. The excitement she had two weeks ago sharpening and lining up her pencils and finding just the right spot in the backpack for her hand sanitizer hasn’t waned in the slightest.

            I beg your forgiveness in advance, for I fear the squealing and bear-hugging won’t end after today. Steel your children for a full-on assault every morning because she is just so thrilled that she is there to share in the experience with her.

            Sincerely,

            A Mother Who Is Surrounded By Blissful Silence

Lunch. One of the best parts of school. Especially when you have a new lunchbox.