The Best-Laid Photo Plans Gone Awry

If it's not the hair, it's the facial expression. 

            This time, it was the dog that ended up with crazy hair.

            You see, when you say the word “short” at the doggie hair salon, they assume you mean “shaved within an inch of his life.” So our cute, floppy haired Viggo ended up looking like an overgrown Chihuahua.

            All in time for our Christmas photo.

I am saving your eyes from pee stains.
You're welcome.

            It’s a nice change of pace because usually it’s Chris who ruins my best-laid photo plans. It all started with one of her first baby portraits. I had seen gorgeous photos of serene looking babies wearing angel wings with light glowing all around that brought to mind a Hallelujah chorus announcing a gift from heaven. I took a couple of photography classes in college and was confident I could recreate the scene.

            Little did I know, babies take the first naked opportunity to pee everywhere as if they have horse-sized bladders that have stored up a week’s worth of urine. As I laid Chris down on a sweet blanket and arranged her glittery wings in the lazy afternoon light, she mewled like a kitten, turned her head and let it all go. So I got one – ONE – photo of her in the angel wings before I disgustedly threw the blanket in the washing machine and gave up.

Whew! It's tiring being a kid!

            Then she grew hair. Oh, does this kid have some hair! And when it’s styled the correct way, I am not bragging when I say perfect strangers gush about the state of her curls. It’s just a fact. When it hasn’t been styled (or messed with by a little kid who should know better than to touch her own hair without professional tutoring) it brings to mind more of a “finger in a light socket” scenario.

            I have learned through countless mornings of knots and tears that the best course of action is to brush said hair when it’s wet, throw in a dab of gel and DO NOT TOUCH. So, of course, when I send Chris to school on her very first kindergarten school portrait day it just makes sense that she would spend half the morning at school preparing by running a brush through the individual spiral curls until she made fuzz. There’s no other word for it – just fuzz. I wish I could show you an example but I’m sure the photographers posted it up in their hall of fame while laughing hysterically and sent us a note suggesting retakes.

            For the professional photos we took when Chris was 3, she didn’t mess with her hair. She posed perfectly like a practiced supermodel. Everything fell into place. Until she opened her mouth in a grin and the world was exposed to a graying tooth she had fallen on and killed a couple of weeks before. We were so close to the ideal photo situation, but were derailed by that one little dental hitch.

            When I flip through photo albums, I can find plenty of just-woken drugged-up looking pics. Others were snapped with Chris in the crib wearing a surprised expression that made it appear we shackled her in jail. And then there are the impromptu snaps I snuck while she chewed on her toes like a wild animal. None of those are wall-worthy, but they all serve their future blackmail purpose.

            But when I actually spend money to take a special photo, I want it to be one that people ooh and ahh over; one that makes us look like the type of family that actually has it all together, even if that’s usually pretty far from the truth.

            What I usually end up with is a new psychiatrist’s referral, a hoarse voice from yelling and pit stains from stress.

What a beautiful picture!
Just ignore the tooth area.

When I see those beautiful, plaid Christmas dresses I always buy them thinking, “This is the year we’re are going to get one of those pictures that look like they came right out of a portrait studio catalogue.” But my best plans are always dashed by something. It makes me want to yell out to everyone I see, “I promise! She looked fantastic before we left the house! I swear! You should have seen it!”

            So I give up. From now on I plan to play to our strengths – constant chaos. This year I’m just going to go with the flow and I figure if I set out to take an intentionally crazy Christmas photo I will either get one hilarious card, or the law of opposites will work in my favor and I’ll finally achieve the holy grail of beautiful Christmas pictures.

            It’s all set to go down this afternoon. This weekend I dug out the fancy camera bought to creating lasting memories but instead ended up gathering dust in a corner of the closet, and practiced up on lighting techniques. I’ve purchased cute outfits and accessories and have actually cleaned up around here in an effort to create a backdrop not filled with junk.

            All I can say is wish us luck.

Yum, toes! I think this may be the high school graduation picture.

Would have been a great summer picture except for the "duh" face and the upside down glasses.

See what I mean. We jailed her as we do with all our 4-month-olds.